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Illustrations by Logan Riley
Master of the Hellhounds
The fox horn sounds,
hear the baying hounds?
They’re bound
to catch up with you sooner or later.
You’re kidding yourself if you think you’ll esacape her.
Part shadow, part fire, their only desire
is to tear you apart.
They’re not for the faint of heart.
They’ve got eyes all aglow.
They’ve got minds in the know.
They speak … just so
and weak you go!
It’s said if you stare
you’ll get quite a scare
doing it. At first…
it then gets worse
each time you look… By time two
you understand his plans for you.
By time three,
quite dead you’ll be!
Of course, you may avoid that fate
but not if you learn too late
the way his eyes will catch you, ohhhh…
Especially when they’re all aglow!
He’ll speak… just so, (baying of hounds),
and weak you go!
If you hear their sinister wail,
you can bet your bucket, you can bet the pail,
you’re going straight to hell well in it.
You’re sure to die within a very few minutes.
People die a lot. They do it all the time.
So, you can imagine my state of mind.
It’s impossible to rest with all the baying.
Believe me, there’s no use in praying.
I realized long ago God’s decided I’m staying
right here where I am.
Talk about damned.
They’re always on the hunt, always on the run.
They don’t respond to a lash or gun.
No, once they’re set upon a trail
their feet fall like Hell’s own hail.
The Tiger Tamer
“You’ll lose your head!”
That’s what they all said.
I lost it alright
One mid-May night.
Then I lost it again.
God knows, it had been
Inside his mouth a thousand times.
Which made it scabby, that head of mine
but I’d always kept my wits.
I usually wasn’t bit.
Just scratched kinda deep a time or two
You get used to the lion, he gets used to you
It’s really not as dangerous as it seems.
Only got that way when I started to scream.
Like I said,
I lost my head.
What happened was this.
There was a girl I’d tried to kiss
about a hundred times.
She didn’t like the lions.
Everyone said she’d do me no good
And everyone said I really should
turn my attention elsewhere.
Or they’d say, “Well, of course lions give girls a scare…
Why don’t you try Madame Ugly over there?”
They’d say with a leer;
not caring if she heard their jeers,
“She won’t mind risking mutilation
considering her looks took permanent vacation.”
Anyway, what I was going to say
before I went off into speculation
About others who perhaps more deserve damnation,
than little old me, who never hurt a flea…
what I was going to say was this,
that girl wouldn’t give me a single kiss!
I didn’t hurt her, really I didn’t.
I just slipped something in her drink, then hid it…
the crime, that is… the drink I made plain.
I think hiding the killing’s what made me insane.
Doing it really wasn’t so bad.
She’d had it coming, yes she had
and like I said, it didn’t hurt a bit;
not like it did when I got bit.
That damn lion’s the one should be damned;
chomping down like that with my head crammed
half down his throat!
It still really gets my goat.
SHE WOULDN’T EVEN LOOK AT ME!
And then, that lion, his eyes!
He KNEW I tell you!
I tell you and I tell YOU
And he was going to TELL!
He said I’d go to Hell.
He did! YES HE DID!!!
Said it while my head was hid
Half down his throat.
Still really gets my goat.
So, I screamed
and well, I never dreamed
he’d bite;
that I’d lose my head twice.
It wasn’t at all nice.
